hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
