My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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