Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
