YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
