he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
