apparently the secret to your success is patron
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He did a backflip because drugs
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