so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
