I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
