someone owes me an orgasm
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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