I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
