I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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