A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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