And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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