I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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