I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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