Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he shaved USA in his pubs
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
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