Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
