I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
