I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
