I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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