Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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