what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
my vag is so smooth its legendary
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
