this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Randomize
