I wanna passion pit in your ass
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
