My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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