If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
