my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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