just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
