i was born a porn star she said
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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