as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
