Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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