if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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