If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
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She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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