I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
