last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
