until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
