I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Be still, my beating vagina.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
