My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
