Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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