dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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