If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
