I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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