My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
They have beer where we have blood.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
