I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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