operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Bring me that man meat
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
