he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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