i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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