I will die if light touches me.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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