Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm getting married
To pizza
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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