I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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