Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
