just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
