i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
