I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
