Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
